Yeah, all men
Finally, a straight white man shares his opinion about discrimination against women.
I knew the day that Donald Trump was elected the country was about to be inundated with think pieces written by men about how “not part of the problem” they are, how “woke” they are, or how much they agree with the feminist movement.
Men were all over the news just tripping over themselves to speak about how disgusted they are on behalf of their sisters, daughters, mothers, etc. and then they went out and voted for the pussy grabber anyway.
With any movement there will always be members of a group hoping to absolve themselves, to get out in front of the bad publicity so that they may be grandfathered in as “one of the good ones”. Never mind how little they are contributing, or improving conditions, but then again, that’s not really the goal.
I am not a woman, by any definition. As such, I’m not going to spin a yarn attempting explain what life is like for women, though I’m certainly not short on anecdotal evidence. I am going to try and not get too into the weeds with data. I don’t plan to sit here and just lecture about all the ways women are disenfranchised by the tax code or healthcare. There are plenty of articles that could illustrate that as well as I could or better, and I’m not here to entertain the flood of inverse statistics from those who are just looking for an internet fight. No, my aim here is to speak directly to the men, about men, because guys, we have a problem.
As I’m sitting down to write this, the Harvey Weinstein scandal is just ramping up. A prominent man in a position of power and influence used both (allegedly at this point in time) to engage in the systematic destruction of the sovereignty and agency belonging to women he had leverage over. In other words, sexual assault of every flavor and presentation. I am aware he threatened men as well, and while that is also heinous, it is not the same. Frankly, this guy threatened to destroy careers of women if they didn’t perform various iterations of cock worship (again allegedly) at his beckon call.
Many male colleagues are now outspoken about how awful he is, and are quick to jump on the bandwagon to slam other men who abetted him via silence. I thought about spending three thousand words railing on about Roger Ailes, Harvey Weinstein and Bill O’Reilly, Bill Cosby, etc., but instead, fuck those guys, they’ve had enough press. Besides, given that the women in these cases possessed both power and access and still were vulnerable parties, imagine how much worse it is for women who have a diminished agency in our society.
Contrary to my expectations when I started talking to women and reading articles from women about this, women are under reacting. Women are absolutely responding to the tale in a unified defiance, but not outrage, not gasps and wide eyes. That should signal something to you. Doesn’t the seemingly ambivalent reaction to such horrid allegations strike you as a sign of something far more insidious? The fact is, this story shocked zero women. Not one piece of this story seemed unthinkable to anyone I have spoken to. This should bother you, us, men, all of us. Egregious sexual assault and harassment is so common in women’s lives that unless it rises to the level of a producer telling them to wait in the corner while he comes onto the houseplant, they are not breaking out the pitchforks. Think back to the Stanford swimmer (or countless other college stories) that raped his victim, was virtually vindicated and then forgotten about because she knowingly went to a party and drank. This is the shit I’m talking about.
I know what you’re thinking, because it is what I used to think as well. That there a lot of creeps out there, but it’s not a “men’s issue”. The real gross and scary stuff is too rare for it to be systemic. “I was friends with more women than men my whole life, surely, I would’ve heard something”. If it wasn’t for online dating, I’d probably still see things that way. Like a lot of pre-med students, I did not have time to peruse bars, libraries, beaches, etc. to meet people. Also, like a lot of 26-year-old men I did not like eating and sleeping alone and, like most Millennials I looked to an app to solve all of these problems.
Over the course of these dates, we would start talking about crazy dating stories to break the ice. I would tell her one I thought was pretty good, and get a decent laugh. Then she would proceed to tell me about the guy that stalked her home and work to the point she needed a restraining order and a new phone number, and a new job. Another woman told me about a neighbor that tried to disable her car, because he was a mechanic and thought that would give him an in. At some point within the first couple years, I ran out of cliché sympathy responses and started feeling genuine concern that perhaps women in my state were just terrible judges of character. Then I thought back on some of the more cringe worthy moments of my own that I once thought of as benign.
At twenty-three years old, I was casually dating a girl for a few weeks when she began to distance herself from me. I reacted by inundating her with messages and emails that ranged from over the top sap to vitriol. I recall at the time regretting every single message after I sent it, so I inherently knew something was wrong about what I was doing. We’ve all sent those heat of the moment texts, but I never stopped. Every couple of months I would send more messages, start sweet and cordial and if I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I blew it way the fuck out of proportion. Looking back, that was clear and unbridled harassment. I never threatened her in anyway, never assaulted her, and yet I recall very vividly when she said sincerely I was making her feel like an awful person just because she didn’t share my feelings. That counts. That’s shit that no one should have to endure simply because they want to date someone else.
Over the years, I have stayed friends with most of the women I have met online, and their stories still shock the hell out of me. What is worse, is that when speaking to female friends at work (redacting names and details obviously) about these stories, I barely get a raised eyebrow. One by one they all fired off one story or another about being followed or harassed in similar fashion. The flippant way it was discussed floored me. These incidents were well short of rape and assault, but, this is the spectrum within which women live in this country. Rape is too painful to speak about, harassment is too common and menial to fuss about.
Now men might be defensively wondering what any of this has to do with them, since they obviously are not sexual predators, calm down. I’m getting there, this is called informing the narrative.
While doing research for graduate school on gender disparities in practicing medicine, I had a conversation that really struck me. I was going over data and results about how even with confounding factors of specialty, location, etc. removed, women still made considerably less than men. Even more perplexing, is that women reported equal satisfaction with their careers, and their compensation. A female co-worker responded that most women just are simply accustomed to settling for what is given. If being satisfied with being paid less for similar work isn’t evidence of gaslighting, I don’t know what is.
The conversation continued on this path of gender inequality, and we landed on the topic of sexual assault on college campuses. I took the status quo hard-line approach that men are always wrong in the perpetuation of these crimes. She took me by surprise by arguing that while men are absolutely being criminal here, that the women should bear personal responsibility for their environment and how they’re perceived. I immediately pressed for more clarification. She said that if a woman chooses to drink, chooses to go to college parties where men are present, and dress provocatively, then she should be aware that she is putting herself in a dangerous situation. I want to be clear, she was not blaming the victim, nor was she saying women are “asking for it”. No, she was saying that men will be men, so women should live accordingly.
This woman views living in society with men the same way people view living in the Serengeti, predators will hunt you so sleep with one eye open. Guys, this shit has been going on so long, that women are essentially giving up on the idea that men are capable of anything less. After she finished speaking, all I could say is, what does that say about our society that women have to view men this way.
A common refrain from men when I discussed this topic with them is that women are sexist too, or that women use manipulation and sex to get what they want. Well informed men have used the data showing incarceration rates, false rape allegations, job hazards, and custody rate disparities to argue that men also have problems. Of course men also have problems affecting us, real problems that we should fight to address, but they have nothing to do with systemic oppression. As the son of a single father who won full custody of both of his children despite legal issues (on two separate occasions), I have to say I don’t buy the reverse discrimination.
Men are less than half the adult population and almost eighty percent of the power structure, so we created our own system of oppression. If we want to fix problems that plague us as men, then we should advocate for that change. Our advocacy should not come at the expense of women’s rights, it should not seek to counterpoint the women’s movement, it should not wait until a woman is speaking to suddenly find its voice. Pack your fucking lunch and start working with women to fix inequality.
Look, I know it’s probably hard to accept that for the last several decades of our lives, the women we’ve met did not really think our jokes are funny, or that Die Hard is a classic movie (it totally is by the way), but this temper tantrum we are having as a gender makes us look ridiculous. We all remember hearing from college buddies how much they longed for a girlfriend that loved to watch football or play video games. Right on cue, the minute women do openly express interest in those things, we recoil that they have their own ideas about how women should be represented in the medium. The immediate push back makes it appear that what we really want is for women to be caricatures or fantasies, to love what we want them to love and how we want them to love it. Bloggers lost their minds because of female Ghostbusters. Really? Ghostbusters?! The 5th best Bill Murray vehicle?!
I have heard many arguments about America becoming a kind of a dystopian asexual society where men are afraid to speak to women or show interest because they don’t want to be accused of sexism. First off, guys, I’ve seen the texts you send to women on Tinder, you don’t give a shit about how you are perceived.
More importantly, understand that this argument is men saying that men are incapable of reading social situations because we are puppets to our biology. Simply demanding that how women present themselves and accept attention be entirely up to the individual women, is not a radical feminist idea. When a woman in a tight red dress tells you to screw off, just screw off. Yeah, she might just be there to attract attention, but not yours. Maybe she is rude, maybe she is brash, she doesn’t owe you politeness or consideration for your ego…you’re a fucking stranger. This isn’t hard, it’s basic people skills.
We need to be honest about the abusive or ridiculous things we do and stop ignoring things that we need to change just because we may not agree with how women frame the argument. There’s no denying misogyny is perpetuated in our culture, and we should be pissed off, frankly, about the so-called “bad apples”. We need to reach the point where we call this shit out whether the woman or women in question are even offended. Stupid male behavior reflects on everyone, and if we don’t start policing it, start attacking it when we see it, we cannot be upset when society begins to shut us out. We should have no patience for the “people will be people” mentality. Leave no shelter to the attackers. Human beings have been around for millions of years, it’s time we stop blaming biology for shitty behavior. You know right from wrong, and if you don’t, we can damn sure teach you.
I don’t believe women need us for this movement. I should be clear, men taking responsibility for our cultural improvement is not for women, it is for us. Weak and insecure men are going to ruin this whole damn country for the rest of us and I for one, don’t plan to accept that. In whatever way women choose to attack this problem, however they choose to adapt and move forward, we can only be concerned with reigning in our own bullshit.
Tar and feather the guy who casually uses the word slut as a slander, fire the guy who sees it necessary to offer unsolicited advances to every woman he sees in the office. The days of this stuff going unchecked must end because its frankly embarrassing. Men can be both strong and assertive, as well as conscientious and empathetic. A lot of being a better man is self-respect. You cannot have self-respect if you are consumed with a fear of rejection so intense that you actually feel a violent or emotional retaliation is justified. What someone says and does is up to them, how you react is all on you.
If you are still skeptical, if you are still so sure that I am some liberal cuck “white knighting” his way through a condescending letter, do me a favor and talk to women. Talk to them, and listen without interrupting or trying to qualify everything they say. Please don’t badger them for details of shit they have endured, don’t be that guy. With a cursory internet search you can discover how incredibly common some of the most egregious acts of harassment are, and how little retribution they get. No, just listen to them talk about what is important to them and why, and get on the same page.
If you feel that lump in your throat to argue your point of view, or to interject with some note about how men also have things that matter, do me a favor and don’t. What are you trying to defend? A woman telling you about misogyny is not accusing you of misogyny. You wanting to end the conversation, wanting to vindicate and separate yourself is part of the problem in the first place.
I am reluctant to say that we as men can do better, I know that we are better than we have shown. We do tend to ignore things and tell ourselves that its none of our business, but the truth is it is our business. These are not isolated cases of sexual subjugation between strangers, these are compounding effects that hurt or have hurt every woman you have ever known. That alone would be enough to wrap this Greek tragedy, but sexism is so pervasive it goes way beyond physical and emotional violation. It’s ingrained in our governmental structure, and that is what we must dismantle.
The minute President Trump was elected after bragging about his dick for 3 weeks, using money/power to coerce women, and of course outright assault, we as men should’ve been dismayed. Even if you agreed with his politics, we should have condemned his culture. Instead, it was embraced as “locker room” talk, or tossed aside as ‘that’s just how guys talk to one another”. And…. we fucking accepted that. We need to do better than this, we are better than this. This is a culture we nurtured, it’s important to remember that. This was not a natural progression of events, this is the result of conscious choices over hundreds of years, and it will take conscious effort to reverse. Right now, we are the group of thirty-somethings with playboy posters from ten years ago still hanging on our wall. If we aren’t embarrassed by this shit when people shine a light on it, we should be.
Ok, now for those of you that, even if you agree (I know some will not) that it’s a problem, but just don’t know what to do. Those of you asking, “how do we fight harassment and systemic sexism if we aren’t the ones out here grabbing vaginas”? It’s actually very simple what our role in all this is, to elevate more women. When we convened a panel on women’s health, it shouldn’t have been full of men with a token woman or two. This isn’t a conversation we can lead, this isn’t a fight we can push. Support causes that women say are essential to them, you may find that you already do. Fight for their right to choose whether you agree or not, because it’s not a choice you will ever be faced with, and because no government should be policing our bodies. (what if jerking off was only allowed in cases of extreme duress, and only under the supervision of a board-certified urologist, yikes.)
Fight for the right to contraception even though you don’t have ovaries. Guys, we got Viagra covered, they should be able to have whatever the hell they want covered. When we make arguments like, “why do I have to pay for maternity care?” it makes us look like morons, you were once a patient in a maternal ward. Understand that your premiums keep it affordable for them, that’s just how insurance works. Likewise, they pay for our biennial prostate exams (check your calendars). Probably most important, support women in leadership roles. Here’s the deal friend, if you find it too difficult to really get to the bottom of what women want done, hire a woman to do it. Empowered women are not a threat to our freedom. Personally, I look forward to the days when we get to stop enduring the fucking cavemen representing us as a kind of a badge of honor, when acting like a chauvinist prick isn’t rationalized as just “boys being boys”. Before you type that email, yes, I know that a lot of women also don’t support women, I also don’t care. What women do or don’t do for this movement has no bearing on what we need to be doing in support.
The wheels of history are turning here guys, this train is moving. The look isn’t good, fifty years from now we are going to look at using bikinis to sell cheeseburgers the same way we look at Al Jolson in the Jazz Singer. Don’t get stuck trying to explain why your shitty behavior is actually harmless, and just stop doing it. Women don’t hate men, but given what we know and have known for decades, could we blame them if they did? You may be ridiculed (I know I have been), dismissed, and attacked by both sides of this equation. So, what? Now, you’re probably going to start reading articles about how the men are also victims of the patriarchy, that we are also hurt in all this. Fuck that, we are the architects of all this, don’t seek validation or absolution, don’t go out there and say me too. No matter who you are, as a man, we are complicit in the continuance of this narrative and we bear responsibility for its lifespan. No matter how kind you are, no matter how many pussy hats you bought, we own this, and we own what we do next; yeah, all men.
Quick tips on battling workplace harassment
Actually effortless things we can do
Good way for a guy to handle the office creep instead of punches…
